THE ARCHITECTURE OF CONTROL

Quick Reference Guide to Understanding an Abuser’s Tactics

How a partner can make saying no feel unsafe.

What this guide explains

This interactive guide explains a pattern of domestic abuse in a relationship—even when there is no physical violence. Some abusers build your trust, then use criticism and pressure to make you feel that you cannot say no.

The goal in this pattern

In the particular pattern described by Irish therapist and researcher Don Hennessy, the goal is sex on the abuser’s terms—whenever he wants it, whether you want it or not. The six steps below show how this happens. You do not need to know any of the terms to follow the examples.

New here? Start with 1: Targeting, then use Next step. Or choose any step that sounds familiar. Compare the example with What respect looks like. There is nothing to fill in or submit.

STEP 01 OF 6

Targeting

He looks for someone whose kindness, honesty, and loyalty he can use. He watches how you treat others and what you do when someone needs help.

AN EVERYDAY EXAMPLE

You offer to help a friend. He notices how readily you take responsibility for someone else’s needs. Later, your kindness becomes his reason that you should put his needs first.

An example to explain the pattern. It is not a quotation or a test.

What to notice over time

He listens to how you talk about other people and watches what you do when someone needs help.
Kindness, honesty, and loyalty become information he can use to gain access and influence.
Over time, what he learns about you appears in requests that cost you time, choices, or privacy.

Your kindness is not the problem.

Ordinary interest and attention are not evidence of targeting. The concern is the developing pattern of using what he learns to override your choices. In this sequence, that influence serves his goal of sexual access on his terms.

Which kind of domestic abuser does this describe?

This guide explains patterns of long-term domestic abuse that can go unrecognized or unacknowledged. It focuses on a particular type of abusive partner. Don Hennessy uses psychephile for a domestic abuser who studies how you think, builds your trust, and waits until you are emotionally invested before revealing his demands. He uses criticism to break his partner’s resistance and non-sexual control to gain sexual compliance.

The overriding goal in this pattern is unfettered sexual access to his partner. Targeting, grooming, criticism, and regrooming work toward breaking down your resistance so that you no longer feel free to say no. Going along can come to feel like the most survivable option. That does not mean you wanted sex or that the abuse was your fault.

This does not describe every abuser. It is the pattern and sequence of steps that make this form of abuse identifiable. Look at how repeated behaviors affect your choices. No single trait, example, or stage can identify someone as a psychephile. You do not have to wait for all six stages to take your concerns seriously.

The research and experience behind this guide

This guide is based on Don Hennessy’s clinical research and published work, adapted by Street Smart Safety for Women to help you recognize the pattern.

Together, Don Hennessy, Laura Frombach, and Joy Farrow bring over 100 years of combined experience with domestic abuse, spanning clinical research and therapy, personal recovery, and law enforcement.

Don Hennessy is an Irish domestic-abuse researcher, relationship therapist, and author with nearly 40 years of experience and work with thousands of clients. His research draws on extensive interviews and clinical work with abusers and their partners, including both people from the same abusive relationship. This brings the abuser’s methods and the partner’s experience into view. His books include How He Gets into Her Head, Steps to Freedom, and How He Wins.

Learn more: Don’s author biography · His work with abusers · His interviews with abusers and partners.

Street Smart Safety for Women brings two additional perspectives:

Laura Frombach, a technologist, brings nearly 40 years of personal experience in recovery from family abuse.

Joy Farrow, a retired deputy sheriff, brings 28 years of law-enforcement experience.